Angelika
by IseultLaBelle
Summary: Chloe's thoughts as she waits for Ange to arrive at the SARC. Chloina misli, ko čaka da Ange pride v SARC. A very brief thought splurge I wrote to solve the problem of a test to study for and needing to write something after tonight's episode. Bilingual- prvi del za slovenščino, part two for English!
1. Chapter 1

**Ne bojte se, prihaja drugi del, in prevedeno bo v angleščino! **

**Fear not, part two is coming, and it will be translated into English! **

Mama.

Je prosto besedo, ni dovolj, da reči vse, da želi pogovoriti, ampak to je vse ima.

Mama.

Mama, mama, mama…

Hoče njeno mamo.

Hoče njeno mamo ker svet se razpada, in zdaj, ni misli, ni razume, ni diha…

Ona ni diha.

Ona ni diha, ona ni diha…

One ni diha… potrebuje zrak, _zrak_…

Je ni zrak.

Ni zdaj.

Ona ni diha.

"Chloe," pravi nežno Sheena. "Chloe, v redu je. V redu je, Chloe, v redu je."

_Moram videti mojo mamo. A lahko pokličete mojo mamo?_

_Moram mojo mamo, moram mojo mamo…_

To je bilo, kak je rekla.

To je bilo, kak je rekla, in potem… in potem, je bilo kak, razumela je, končno, razumela je, in vse, njen celoten obstoj, je propadalo.

To se je zgodilo njeni mami, spozna je Chloe, in kar naenkrat, hoče bruhati.

To se je zgodilo njeni mami, to se je zdogilo njeni mami…

Krivila jo je.

To je resnica.

Za svoje težave z duševnim zdravjem je krivila mamo, in to sploh ni bilo pošteno, saj se je rezanje začelo, preden je mama razbila njen svet na koščke.

Krivila je mami, vendar ne za posilstvo.

Ni tisto.

Nikoli tega.

Krivila je mamo, da je pustila živeti.

Morala bi jo ubiti. Tako si je mislila, ko je bila stara štirinajst let in je sredi noči zajokala v kopalnico, da je mama ne bi slišala.

Nikoli ne bi smela obstajati.

Njena mama bi morala vzeti tabletko, jo ustaviti, jo Chloe ustaviti.

Takrat si ni mislila, odtlej ni razmišljala, ker sovraži svojo mamo.

Mislila je, ker jo ljubi.

Mama…

Mama, Mama… Mama…

Njena mama je to preživela.

Njena mama je to preživela, in mogoče to pomeni, da Chloe bi morala tudi, ampak ni tako močna kot njena mama.

Kako je to storila njena mama?

Kako je mama preživela, da je bila posiljena in jo je rodila naprej?

Morala bi opraviti splav.

To je takrat mislila Chloe in ona zdaj verjame bolj kot kdajkoli prej, saj si mama ni zaslužila te bolečine.

Mamo je krivila, da jo je pustila živeti, da jo je pripeljala na svet, da je to vedela bolečino, ki jo bo morala čutiti, otroka posilstva.

Posilstvo.

To je ona vse, kar je zdaj.

To je vse, kar kzdaj bo.

Vedno.

Krivila je mamo, toda resnica je bolj zapletena, zdaj se zaveda Chloe.

Resnica je, da njena mama ne bi mogla splaviti.

Ni več bolečine.

Chloe to zdaj lahko vidi.

Razume ona.

_Mama…. _

_Mama, žal mi je… žal mi je…_

Zdi se kot kazen.

Zdi se, kot kazen za vso škodo, ki jo je povzročila svoji mami, ko jo je razočaral, jo kljuboval, ko je bila do nje samo nesramna.

A večinoma se zdi, da je kazen za bolečino, ki jo je mami povzročila samo s tem, da je bila živa.

Sheena je odšla.

Sheena je odšla, in Chloe pa se ne spomni svojega odhoda.

Ampak je v redu.

V redu je, ker Edina oseba, ki jo želi, je njena mama.

In počuti se tako kriva.

Počutila se je tako kriva, ker je hotela zaščititi mamo, vedela je, da jo bo to vznemirilo, vrnilo grozne spomine.

Tu ni hotela svoje mame, ker je ni hotela razburiti, vendar ni dovolj močna, da bi to storila tudi brez nje.

Potrebuje mamo.

Potrebuje mamo, potrebuje mamo…

In potem se odprejo vrata in ona je tam, njen angeliko varuho ves čas, teče k njej in joče, roke pa se premikajo... in zdaj, zdaj, v tisto trenutek, Chloe ne ve, kako je kdaj podvomila, da mama jo ljubi.

"Žal mi je," Angelika zaplaka, in potem njun roka so okoli drugi, zapleteni skupaj, eno srce, ena enota, ena skupna travma.

Sva združeni, zdaj.

Razumeva.

Skupaj.

"Žal mi je, tudi," Chloe jo povedala.

Konec je.

Konšček srca njena hčerke, ki ga je izgubila, ko je imela komaj štirinajst let, se ji je spet vrnilo.

In to je na najslabši možni način, ja, ampak tam je in prvič, odkar ji je povedala oče. Ta del srca njena hčerke bije z njenim.

Angelika počuti jo.


	2. Chapter 2

Mum.

It's a simple word, not enough to say everything that she wants to express, but it's all she has.

Mum.

Mum, mum, mum…

She wants her mum.

She wants her mum because the world is falling apart, and now she can't think, can't understand, can't breathe…

She can't breathe.

She can't breathe, she can't breathe…

She can't breathe, she needs air… air…

There's no air.

Not now.

She can't breathe.

"Chloe," says Sheena gently. "Chloe, it's okay. It's okay, Chloe, it's okay."

_I need to see my mum. Can you please call my mum?_

That's all she said.

That was all she said, and then… and then it was as though she understood, finally, she understood, and everything, her whole existence, came tumbling down.

This is what happened to her mum, Chloe realises, and suddenly she wants to be sick.

This is what happened to her mum, this is what happened to her mum…

She blamed her.

That's the truth.

She blamed her mum for her mental health problems, and that wasn't even fair, not really, because the cutting began before her mum shattered her world into pieces.

She blamed her mum, but not for being raped.

Not that.

Never that.

She blamed her mum for letting her live.

She should have been killed. That's what she had thought, when she was fourteen years old and sobbing in the bathroom in the middle of the night so her mum wouldn't hear.

She should never have existed.

Her mum should have taken the pill, put a stop to it, put a stop to her.

She didn't think that then, hasn't thought it since, because she hates her mum.

She's thought it because she loves her.

Mum…

Mum… Mum… Mum… Mum…

Her mum survived this.

Her mum survived this, and maybe, that means that Chloe should, too, but she isn't as strong as her mum.

How did her mum do it? How did her mum survive being raped, and go on to give birth to her?

She should have had an abortion.

That was what Chloe thought then, and she believes it now more than ever, because her mum didn't deserve this pain.

She blamed her mum for letting her live, for bringing her into the world, for doing it knowing the pain she would have to feel, a child of rape.

Rape.

That's all she is now.

That's all she'll ever be.

Forever.

She blamed her mum, but the truth is more complicated, Chloe realises now.

The truth is that her mum couldn't have had an abortion.

Not more pain.

Chloe can see it now.

She understands.

_Mum… _

_Mum… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…_

It feels like a punishment.

It feels like a punishment for all the hurt she caused her mum, when she disappointed her, defied her, when she was just plain rude to her.

But most of all, it feels like a punishment for the pain she caused her mum just by being alive.

Sheena has gone.

Sheena has gone, and Chloe doesn't remember her leaving.

But it's okay.

It's okay, because the only person she wants is her mum.

And she feels so guilty.

She feels so guilty because she wanted to protect her mum, knew this would upset her, bring back terrible memories.

She didn't want her mum here because she didn't want to upset her, but she isn't strong enough to do it without her anymore.

She needs her mum.

She needs her mum, she needs her mum…

And then the door opens, and she's there, her guardian angel all along, runs to her and she's crying, and her arms are moving… and in that moment, Chloe doesn't know how she ever doubted that her mum loved her.

"I'm so sorry," Angel sobs, and then their arms are around each other, tangled together, one heart, one unit, one shared trauma.

They are united, now.

They understand.

Together.

"I'm sorry, too," Chloe tells her.

The little piece of her daughter's heart, that she lost when she was fourteen years old, has returned to her again.

And it's in the worst way possible, yes, but it's there.

And for the first time since she told her of her father, that piece of her daughter's heart beats with hers.

Angel feels it.

**I didn't write this in English (or in a language I speak fluently full stop!), I translated it into English after I wrote it, which is why it feels very, very different to how I would usually write. I did it this way because I couldn't be as expressive as I normally would when I write, and I wanted to try to replicate that emotional constriction Chloe must have been feeling. **

**The title of this story, 'Angelika,' means 'angel,' the female form. I thought it was poignant. It's always annoyed me that the writers named Ange 'Angel' when no one was using that name in the 70s, but she really was Chloe's angel in tonight's episode. So I'm running with the title. **

**Reviews would be wonderful- I have absolutely no idea what you're going to make of this, so please do let me know if you don't hate it! In če, berete v slovenščino, rada bi se slišala od tebe! **

**-IseultLaBelle x **


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